55% Enemy

I don't really know why I keep my OkCupid profile, let alone why I felt the need to update my profile pic with my new hair color. I've never met anyone very interesting on that site, and the two guys I've gone on dates with that I met online were complete flops.

Plus, I have to wade through a sea of semi-literate instant message popups every time I want to do anything. I'm getting better at weeding out the assholes and idiots, though, by assuming that anyone who thinks that IMing me out of the blue as an introduction is either an idiot or an asshole, or both. So far, so good on that methodology.

Here's a typical exchange. "MasterFckr99" (not his real screen name) IMed me several times before I finally replied:

MasterFckr99: hey
SuzanneC: what?
MasterFckr99: what?
MasterFckr99: lol
MasterFckr99: ur hot mamacita
SuzanneC: I know. I own a mirror.
SuzanneC: So what of it?
MasterFckr99: I have 7 dick
SuzanneC: that's way too many.
SuzanneC: I know a doctor who can help you with that
MasterFckr99: I like it rough lol
SuzanneC: why is that funny?
MasterFckr99: I can handle 2 girls at same time i cango for hour of hard core
SuzanneC: I'm sure you can
SuzanneC: I'm glad you're proud of that. it's good to feel good about yourself
MasterFckr99: I know I can Ill love that
MasterFckr99: what do think why you so quiet
SuzanneC: I'm... um... speechless, I guess
MasterFckr99: tell me I waiting
SuzanneC: but you have me convinced. yes, let's get together for some rough sex. absolutely
SuzanneC: sounds simply divine
MasterFckr99: dont be speech less
SuzanneC: where shall we meet? motel someplace?
MasterFckr99: yes
MasterFckr99: Im master fucker
MasterFckr99: real rough
SuzanneC: you do know that I'm fucking with you, right?
SuzanneC: I mean there's no way in hell I'm having sex with you
MasterFckr99: but you want it I know
SuzanneC: but I do enjoy our little conversations
MasterFckr99: well fine
MasterFckr99: you know you will get your ass spank some day
MasterFckr99: lol that day youwill call me master
SuzanneC: only if I get to dress up like Jeanie from "I Dream of Jeanie"
SuzanneC: I did always want to be her when I was growing up
MasterFckr99: I let you be Jeany for a minute
MasterFckr99: only
MasterFckr99: ok Jeany whats up?
MasterFckr99: tell me some Jeany
MasterFckr99: what you got?
SuzanneC: what, are we roleplaying now?
SuzanneC: sorry, I was busy chatting with another guy over here on the left part of my screen
SuzanneC: I only logged in to write an email. kinda hard to do with guys IMing me all the time
MasterFckr99: send me a picture dressed as Jeany at my yahoo at ********@yahoo.com
SuzanneC: you think I have a genie costume just lying around?
MasterFckr99: Ill spank your butt I dont like that
MasterFckr99: yes go and getit Im demanding
MasterFckr99: do it bad girl
SuzanneC: let's see... tell you what, you make a wish and then I'll screw it up and you'll end up with an elephant in your living room just as your boss is coming over for dinner
SuzanneC: that's how Jeanie used to do it
MasterFckr99: this is your masters command
MasterFckr99: I want you to get naked Jeany is my command
MasterFckr99: send me a pic at *********@yahoo.com now
MasterFckr99: Im not playing
SuzanneC: you know, I wonder why Major Nelson never wished for that
MasterFckr99: he was dumb
MasterFckr99: a dork
MasterFckr99: cold bitch
SuzanneC: I think he was kind of a dork, now that you mention it
MasterFckr99: he was not macho enogh like you Master
SuzanneC: I guess if he hadn't been such a dork, the show wouldn't have much comedic fodder, though, huh?
MasterFckr99: he dint have a hard dick like me
SuzanneC: maybe he did, but he liked that little guy Roger Healey
SuzanneC: yeah, definitely. it all makes sense now. you were smart to figure that out.
MasterFckr99: he was quir
SuzanneC: hey, who isn't these days? am I right?
MasterFckr99: Im macho
SuzanneC: you've had a little fun with the boys, haven't you?
MasterFckr99: yes you are right
MasterFckr99: yes
SuzanneC: well, it's the 2010s now. anything goes
MasterFckr99: not for 2 girl go for me
SuzanneC: beg pardon?
MasterFckr99: thats what I want 2 mamis
MasterFckr99: what do you think?
MasterFckr99: say some
SuzanneC: you want two mamis? I don't really follow you
MasterFckr99: text me at (202)xxxxxxx I want bad girls at the same time thats my number text me Ill brb
MasterFckr99: your Master has to go for now ok be good Ill spank you later by for now
MasterFckr99: Imgoing to the strip join
SuzanneC: I shall be counting the hours
MasterFckr99: I tell you when
MasterFckr99: text me
MasterFckr99: Im incommand Ill tell what from now on
SuzanneC: definitely count on it. that's so going to happen, the me texting you thing
SuzanneC: except, only, whoops -- I just lost my phone
MasterFckr99: ok bs I dont want to hearthat bs
MasterFckr99: send a yahoo mail ok
SuzanneC: you mean an internet mail?
SuzanneC: I don't know how to do those
MasterFckr99: I want to see thatJeany naked
SuzanneC: I'm Pennsylvania Dutch. Amish. We don't have computers
MasterFckr99: find a way
MasterFckr99: stop bsing
MasterFckr99: stop bsing
SuzanneC: you can count on it