Giving Thanks

I'll forgive myself a bit of glurge this morning, because I know that it won't be too long before I find something new to feel down about myself for, and today's just a happy-to-be-me day. Enjoy it while it lasts, kiddo.

Things I'm thankful for (in a very particular order):

I'm thankful to the boy I used to be, for having the courage, recklessness and stupidity to go forward with something that should have seemed impossible.

I'm thankful that I had the means to do everything I felt like I needed to do without driving myself into debt (still woulda been worth it if I had).

I'm thankful that I live in a society that pretty much accepts me for who I am, even if it doesn't always understand.

I'm thankful that I can go out looking like a complete mess and without makeup, and still get called "ma'am" by everyone.

I'm thankful that I barely even notice the quizzical stares anymore, mostly because they so rarely happen anymore.

I'm thankful that I get to see the world from the perspective of both genders. That's something you can't get any other way, I'm pretty sure.

I'm thankful for the great work of Drs. Christine McGinn and Jeffrey Speigel, whose results I am enjoying on a daily basis.

I'm thankful that being transgender no longer feels like the focus of my existence, at least when I feel like getting away from it for a while.

I'm thankful for all the love and support I've received since deciding to transition, from new friends and old, family and strangers.

I'm thankful to all the girls and boys who have broken my heart along the way.

I'm thankful for all the years I have left to live the life I always wanted, however many there are.

Today I'm thankful for who I am and that I'm no longer who I was. Because this is better in almost every conceivable way.

I Feel Pretty

I was going to chronicle the whole facial feminization surgery experience, as I did for my sex reassignment surgery and most of my trips to E3000 for electrolysis, but I've decided against it for several reasons:

1) I didn't have any bone work done. I think my experiences are pretty different (read as: easier) from what most people undergo when they talk about FFS. My diary wouldn't be of much use, I'm afraid.

2) The nose job was the thing that was the most uncomfortable about it, and really it wasn't all that bad. The scalp advance and lip lift were nothing compared to the nose for discomfort, and that's pretty routine stuff.

3) Really, the pictures say it all for this one. I'm building a set on Flickr, here.

Here's my summary, though: compared to my "bottom surgery", this was a breeze. I was blind for the first couple of days from the swelling around my eyes, but I felt fine. Even in the hospital, I was only asking for Tylenol, because I just felt like I had been punched in the nose and had a headache. Dr. Spiegel was great. Healing was fast and easy. I'm really starting to love the results, now that the swelling and bruising are clearing up. I especially like my new profile. My nose is starting to look really cute.



That really says it all for me. I'm extremely happy with my choice of procedures and my choice of surgeons. I wasn't expecting to like the way I looked this soon after surgery.

I think I got exactly what I wanted out of this.

Not Just Another Pretty Face

I guess I'm not really a big planner. I've always been inclined to focus on something that I want and just work (at times obsessively) towards it, without really giving a lot of thought to the overall plan. I make things up as I go. I don't always need to know or even want to know what the next hurdle is going to be -- I just focus on the next thing. I suppose that's my nature, and it's always served me pretty well. I don't believe you can really know how things are going to come out, and overplanning is usually just setting yourself up for disappointment. General Patton once said, "no battle plan survives contact with the enemy." I'm with him. I like to be prepared for anything, but plan things as they come.

Having cosmetic surgery was the last big physical change I had to decide on, and now that's done as of four days ago, thanks to Dr. Spiegel. I kind of rushed into it once I had decided on what I wanted to do. I had moments of doubt and worry leading up to my surgery date. I started noticing a lot of attractive women who didn't have what I'd call conventionally beautiful features, which made me wonder if I wasn't making a mistake. I suppose some people think my nose was pretty the way it was. But I'd have never been totally happy with it. I know that. This was the right choice for me.

Facial Feminization Surgery (FFS) was something I used to think I'd absolutely need to be "passable" (I'm starting to hate that term, and so is the trans community at large), but now it's just something I feel like I wanted, to make myself more attractive. My friend Jessica likes to point out that if you look at the majority of women out there, most of them "need" FFS too, regardless of whether they're trans or not. She's right, too. I didn't really need FFS any more than an average woman. I was okay with my face, generally. Nobody looked at me funny even when I was not wearing makeup. I blended in already.

Still, there were things about my face that I decided I didn't like, and if cosmetic surgery can make me like my face better, I'm all for it. Mostly I didn't like the more masculine aspects of it, like my nose, because those were reminders of a person I used to think I was, but don't feel like I am anymore. I still don't know exactly how this is all going to look, but I think it will be good, and I think I'll feel prettier. If it's not, and I end up hating it, then I'll deal with that then. But so far, I'm happy with the results I can see a few days after surgery.

A little over two years ago when I started this little adventure of mine, I had no clue what was in store or even where I was going. I just knew I had to do something, and to explore the possibilities that were out there. Now I'm at the end of one phase of this project of mine: the transformational part. The rest of the project will be living my life as a woman, and dealing with whatever comes my way, but I'm feeling like I'm getting pretty close to being done with trying to change myself. From here on, I just get to be myself, although I bet that's going to come with its own set of challenges, too.

I liked myself before I started on this journey. I like myself even more now. I'm happy with who I've become and who I'm becoming. I think this new face is going to go well with the next phase of my life. I'm glad I did this.