Experiments in Dating

I suppose I'll take it as a positive sign that Scotti asked me out again, even though our third date didn't go all that well. I wasn't really surprised he wanted to see me again. I sort of expected he might be curious about what it would be like to be with a girl like me. I thought he'd probably sleep with me, and then make an excuse for why he couldn't deal with this long-term. Which would've been okay with me, honestly.

The not-so-veiled salacious promises of our pre-date text messages were never realized, however. Scotti got cold feet sometime before I invited him in for "coffee or something" at the end of the evening. When I coaxed him to come over closer to me on the couch and kiss me, well ... yeah, I thought he seemed a little weirded out at dinner and in the movie. I told him it was okay, but I don't think Scotti's going to call me again. He was trying to be cool about all of this, but he can't handle it. He was definitely keeping me at arm's length at our next softball game.

Guys see you differently once they know. Some guys, at least. This makes me want to push the boundary on when I tell a guy, so maybe he's a little more invested first. Tell them too soon, and it can scare them off. Tell them too late, and well...

My friend Aida asked me why I have to tell a guy at all. What difference does it make? Well, for one thing, I could get killed. "Oh, yeah" -- Aida is cisgender (i.e. not trans), so I guess this part wasn't obvious to her. For another thing, the longer you wait the more you risk them finding out on their own, which could make them think you're trying to deceive them. Finally, I won't have sex with someone without telling them first (see reason #1), and, well, I'm not going out with these guys just for their sparkling conversational skills. The first reason was enough for Aida. For me, too.

It feels bad to be rejected just because you're transgender, and to know that's what it was. In retrospect, though, I made too much of a big deal of it. If I were doing it over, I'd tell Scotti on date 4 or 5, ideally, and drop the whole part where I told him I had a secret I wasn't ready to share. Aida was half right. It's not that I don't need to tell them, it's just that I shouldn't act like it's some big thing. It's not, and if I don't treat it like it is, maybe they won't see it as a huge issue either. It's a part of me that I accept and am not ashamed of, and it's also something that I don't tell people unless there's some reason I think they should know it. I can hold out for a few dates without bringing this up.

The next guy I go out with gets to see a more prudish side of Suzanne, because I won't sleep with him before I tell him and I won't tell him until I think he's ready. And if he Googles me and finds this blog or any of the other things out there that reveal that I'm trans, well, congratulations mister internet detective -- now you may as well fess up that you know, because I bet I can read you like a book. And I won't apologize for not telling you before you found out my "secret", because there's nothing to apologize for and it's not a secret.

Live and learn. Try not to get beat up or killed. I'll get the hang of this, with a little more practice. Piece of cake.

It's in his kiss

I think I just played the absolute worst two games of softball I've played since joining this slow-pitch league. Oddly enough, we won our first two games of the season, and are now 2-8 overall. It sure wasn't my hitting or fielding that did it. I was distracted as hell. I really couldn't get my mind in the game at all. I knew exactly why.

I had told Scotti I was going to tell him my secret after the game. We decided to go out for a burger. For me, a bacon cheeseburger with lettuce, tomato, grilled onions, mushrooms, jalapeno peppers and mayo. I needed it. I made sure to get a hug in there, too. Partly because I needed one, and partly because I wanted to see if there was a difference between the pre- and post-revelation hugs.

There was.

If there's a downside to blending in as a woman, it's this: people don't see it coming at all when you eventually have to tell them you're transgender (and you will). This can make things awkward as hell. Scotti didn't even really know what to ask me or what to say. He was totally flustered, just like I had been all night up until I told him. At least I felt like a load had been lifted off me, but I hadn't gotten rid of it; I just shifted it over onto him.

I told him to take some time to digest it and see how he feels about dating a trans girl. He might come around, but my guess right now is no. The trans thing's in the way now and it will probably stay in the way. It sure wasn't the same after I told him. He kissed me goodnight, but it was a pretty non-committal, nervous kiss. Not nervous like he was on our first date, either -- a very different kind of nervous.

Funny, but both kisses seemed to be asking, "what do I do now?", but in completely different ways. I guess we'll see.

Small Manipulations

I've set a date with Dr. Spiegel in Boston. Rhinoplasty, scalp advance, lip lift, and I think I'm going to try cheek injections. He recommended cheek implants, but I'm generally opposed to having things implanted in me, except for the government-mandated microchips, of course (hey, we gotta keep track of the transgenders, right?).

I'm going to keep the changes subtle. I know I'm okay already. I know this because...

I don't have a lot of experience dating boys. I've had sex with guys since my surgery, but I wouldn't call what we did "dating" in any real sense. I've dated a lot lately, though -- both guys and girls. I had a nice date with a guy who plays on my new coed softball team last night. I think it was the first date I've ever gotten through without the trans thing entering into the picture.

Scotti (I know -- girl name, but no, I checked and he's not) played with us for the first time two weeks ago. He's a good player, super skinny and very cute. He plays shortstop and I usually play 3rd. I was teasing him about his hitting whenever he made an out. Boys like it when you tease them and then get pouty if they tease you back. I could tell straight away that he liked me. I've had enough guys flirt with me to know when they're interested. I thought he was going to ask me out after that first game. I sure as hell gave him plenty of opportunity and signals, but he was shy and he's a boy, so he's generally pretty clueless about when a girl's giving him clear signs that she's interested back. I told him, "well, I'll see you next week then?" and he told me he works 'til 11 pm usually (he's a cop), so no, probably not. "Okay, well I'm sure I'll see you again, anyway."

Scotti showed up for this week's game anyway, and I knew right away that he was there because of me. Our team is 0-8. The team got moved up 3 divisions from where they were last season for reasons that aren't really clear. We're totally getting crushed in this new division. You don't go out of your way to come to a game because you really want to get slaughtered, you do it to flirt with the cute 3rd basewoman you were too shy to ask out after last week's game. Someone else mentioned that Scotti had taken the whole day off. Yeah, I know what that means. I gave him my number after the game, as he was walking me to my car. He finally got the hint.

Any uncertainty about whether people on my team know I'm trans are gone. They don't know. They can't tell. Guys can't tell, and some of them think I'm cute, and not because I'm trans (some guys do like that, you know). This is literally a dream come true, and it makes me question my desire for cosmetic surgery again, because clearly I blend in fine already and some people find me attractive, even without surgery. So I'll go ahead with my appointment in Boston, but keep the changes subtle. Spiegel's good at that, which is why I chose him.

I've said before that I'm not interested in going "stealth". I'm still not. I do like it if I can go out with someone without my date figuring out I'm trans, and without my having to bring it up. I'm still fretting over when's the right time to tell someone. This new guy, this guy who's a cop with access to background checks and stuff like that, could find out easily enough. Also, I won't have sex with anyone without disclosing first. That's for safety and also out of a sense of obligation -- if it might matter to a guy (or girl for that matter), I think I owe it to him to be upfront. If he's gotten to know me a bit first, I think it will go smoother, but the longer I wait, the more likely it is that he finds out on his own.

It would have been really easy to tell if Scotti had Googled my name or done a check on me. I think I'd have known if he had any suspicion even that I am transgender. But just to be sure, I suggested we play a game where we take turns asking each other questions, and we each have to answer honestly. He only got to the fact that I'm bisexual from my asking him if he'd ever kissed a guy ("no"). I found I could lead him to the questions I wanted him to ask me easily enough with my questions, and deflect anything that might get him to details about my past that I don't want him to know yet. I'm clever that way. I did make occasional obscure references to my former self, referring to him as my "worse half" who is "no longer with us". I added that I didn't really want to talk about "him", but no we were never married and yes I'm totally over him now (all true). And I inherited all of his stuff, like that pool table you saw in my living room when you picked me up. I didn't lie, but I definitely omitted details I didn't want to share. He knows I have a big secret, but that I don't want to tell him yet. He definitely would not guess what the secret is. He's going to be very shocked next date.

When he dropped me back home I decided to let Scotti kiss me, even though I'm a little wary of what that could mean to him later. He said he'd been wanting to kiss me all night. I know. I saw your face when you showed up and I opened the door. I saw how nervous you were with me until I put you at ease with the little Q&A game. Boys are really easy to figure out. Girls are more mysterious. Some, even more than others.