Transitioning is a funny thing. If you're like me, you spend a lot of time fantasizing about what it might be like -- years, in fact -- with very little realization of what it will actually be like to live as the person you always wished you could be on a day-to-day basis. The initial excitement wears off after a while. Things become mundane, ordinary. There aren't any highs to be had from conquering a fear, because there are no fears anymore. You get used to it.
Transforming yourself from male to female once used to be a small taste of what could be, and it was like taking a step into a new and thrilling world. Now that you're immersed in that world all the time, it's not new anymore. Hiding your vestigial masculinity becomes a chore. The thrill is gone, and you're left with an obsession over the things you wish you could change about yourself. If only...
I've grown a bit tired of this being the central focus of my life. Transgender is a thing that I am. I'm proud of myself for accepting this about myself. I'm happy with who I am now. I was actually pretty happy with who I was before, too, but I'm even happier with the new me. But being transgender doesn't define me completely. It doesn't even come close.
I don't try to hide it. I don't want to hide it. I also don't want to hide behind it, like this is all that I am.
Last night at softball, my teammate's daughters cheered me on with chants of "go miss Suzanne!" These adorable little tykes will never know me as anything but Suzanne, as a woman. They don't know there was ever another me.
It makes me feel really good sometimes, just little moments where I'm not thinking about the transition or being transgender. I'm just me. And I looked in the mirror this morning as I was getting ready to leave for work, and I thought, "hey, you look cute today." And maybe I don't get a thrill from dressing as a woman or wearing makeup, but I still like it. And I wasn't scrutinizing every little thing about myself that needs to be fixed or changed, because I'm pretty happy with how I am today.
I hope it lasts. I could feel this way forever and never get bored with it.
3 weeks ago