Closure

It really wasn't supposed to hurt this much. I'm supposed to be ready to move on.

I saw Alison for the first time since she broke it off with me. I guess that was just under three weeks ago, but it seems like a lot longer. I'm not over her. I didn't go in to this kidding myself that I was, or that I would get through seeing her without crying. All I promised her in my email was that I wouldn't cry as much as the last time she saw me. It went pretty much according to plan. I cried a lot less than last time.

We got together for drinks after work at a gay bar we both like in DC. It was nice to see her. I caught her up on the depressing chaos that is my life these past few weeks. How I have no real idea what I want to do anymore, career-wise. Not this, whatever it is I'm doing now -- I've got it narrowed down by that much, anyway. How I quit my support group. How I'm slowly getting my legs back into shape with the jogging. How I'm getting ready to start dating again, looking for other jobs, and so forth. Alison told me about her mother having rotator cuff surgery, and how she's applying for other jobs, and she's doing her activism stuff. And she's not seeing anyone new yet, but she's chatting with a couple of girls on OkCupid.

I didn't talk about how I cried for three days straight after she dumped me. I didn't tell her how I still pile the extra pillows up behind me when I go to bed every night and pretend she's spooning with me. Or how that usually still makes me cry.

I still don't get exactly what wasn't working for her. She says she didn't want to be in a serious relationship. Okay. In my mind, I can't help but append that with the qualifier "with you", but okay. I guess that's just another way of saying, "I didn't love you". Nothing new there. I've been through this before, and I'll get through it again. The only things I'm still mourning are things that were never there at all in the first place.

I'll be fine. Soon enough, I won't even miss her anymore. One day, I'll be able to think about her without my eyes welling up with tears. Eventually, I'll find someone new who makes me feel as happy or hopefully even happier. And I hope that Alison finds someone she loves who loves her as much as I did, or more. I hope that she and I will stay good friends, and we'll be able to get together for drinks without either of us (mostly me) crying at all.

I'm not there yet, but I'm at least to the point where I want to be over her. I just want to move past this lonely, miserable part and on with my life.

Still, I'm going to need those extra pillows again tonight.

Starting Over

I've been back at work for a week now. It's been weird. Depressing, mostly, I guess. Everything feels depressing to me right now, not just the job. I'm hiding it well so far, but it's starting to catch up with me. I break down sometimes. Other times, I just feel like I don't want to do anything at all. No interests, no hopes, no goals, no dreams.

I don't have any regrets about the surgery. The timing of it, my choice of Dr. McGinn, everything going back to whenever it was that I finally decided I was going to live as a woman -- it was all the right decision. At the same time, right now my life feels pretty fucked up, and a lot of it has to do with having had the operation, or the timing of it anyway.

Being demoted back to where I was 10 years ago in my career while still working on the same team is somewhat humiliating. I'm looking to people I used to manage to mentor me as I start over with programming in a language I've never used before. I went from being good at my job and receiving mostly excellent performance reviews to suddenly being well aware that I wouldn't hire myself for the position I'm in now, and for good reason. I'm talented, but lacking in any expertise. Motivationally, they've put me in a position where if I were to do outstanding work, it reinforces the idea that demoting me was a good idea. I have no desire at all to try to work my way back up the corporate ladder anymore. I wouldn't want my old spot back if they wanted to give it to me. Mostly, I hate the thought that these people who used to respect me as their manager now feel sorry for me.

I had a session with Dr. Payne this afternoon. She said it sounds like they're trying to force me to quit because they feel like they can't fire me without it being discriminatory. It's probably a good strategy if that's the case, but I haven't gotten the sense that that's what this is. It feels more like they just didn't have a spot for me since I was taking off two months right as the company was going through a big reorganization and a wave of layoffs. Maybe if I hadn't had the surgery, I'd have kept a management position in the new organizational structure, or maybe they'd have fired me because they didn't have a place for me. I don't really know. Maybe this new position is a very clumsy attempt at charity. Maybe it's a clever way to get rid of me. Maybe it's just a really misguided attempt at strategic realignment. I guess it doesn't matter to me. The result is the same.

Objectively and rationally, I can deal with my current situation just fine. I'm past most of my major expenses for this transition. Despite suffering catastrophic losses on my investments in the past year, I have plenty of money left over, and I still have a paycheck coming in. I'm smart. I learn fast. I work hard. I make friends easily. I'm honest and loyal. I should have plenty of good options, and a bright future ahead of me.

Emotionally, I'm having trouble dealing with things as they are right now. At work, in relationships, and socially, I just don't feel like I have a lot of energy or a lot to offer. I don't really know what I want to do and everything I might do seems daunting.

I'll work through this. I break down sometimes, but I always pick myself up after. I sometimes don't feel like doing anything at all, but I always do what needs to be done. I manage to keep up with my dilation schedule, and I get out for a run every day, and I go out with friends and try to cheer up.

I'm not giving up. Not even close.