Essays on coming to terms with being a transgender woman.
Monday, November 9, 2009
Not Just Another Pretty Face
I guess I'm not really a big planner. I've always been inclined to focus on something that I want and just work (at times obsessively) towards it, without really giving a lot of thought to the overall plan. I make things up as I go. I don't always need to know or even want to know what the next hurdle is going to be -- I just focus on the next thing. I suppose that's my nature, and it's always served me pretty well. I don't believe you can really know how things are going to come out, and overplanning is usually just setting yourself up for disappointment. General Patton once said, "no battle plan survives contact with the enemy." I'm with him. I like to be prepared for anything, but plan things as they come.
Having cosmetic surgery was the last big physical change I had to decide on, and now that's done as of four days ago, thanks to Dr. Spiegel. I kind of rushed into it once I had decided on what I wanted to do. I had moments of doubt and worry leading up to my surgery date. I started noticing a lot of attractive women who didn't have what I'd call conventionally beautiful features, which made me wonder if I wasn't making a mistake. I suppose some people think my nose was pretty the way it was. But I'd have never been totally happy with it. I know that. This was the right choice for me.
Facial Feminization Surgery (FFS) was something I used to think I'd absolutely need to be "passable" (I'm starting to hate that term, and so is the trans community at large), but now it's just something I feel like I wanted, to make myself more attractive. My friend Jessica likes to point out that if you look at the majority of women out there, most of them "need" FFS too, regardless of whether they're trans or not. She's right, too. I didn't really need FFS any more than an average woman. I was okay with my face, generally. Nobody looked at me funny even when I was not wearing makeup. I blended in already.
Still, there were things about my face that I decided I didn't like, and if cosmetic surgery can make me like my face better, I'm all for it. Mostly I didn't like the more masculine aspects of it, like my nose, because those were reminders of a person I used to think I was, but don't feel like I am anymore. I still don't know exactly how this is all going to look, but I think it will be good, and I think I'll feel prettier. If it's not, and I end up hating it, then I'll deal with that then. But so far, I'm happy with the results I can see a few days after surgery.
A little over two years ago when I started this little adventure of mine, I had no clue what was in store or even where I was going. I just knew I had to do something, and to explore the possibilities that were out there. Now I'm at the end of one phase of this project of mine: the transformational part. The rest of the project will be living my life as a woman, and dealing with whatever comes my way, but I'm feeling like I'm getting pretty close to being done with trying to change myself. From here on, I just get to be myself, although I bet that's going to come with its own set of challenges, too.
I liked myself before I started on this journey. I like myself even more now. I'm happy with who I've become and who I'm becoming. I think this new face is going to go well with the next phase of my life. I'm glad I did this.