Small Manipulations

I've set a date with Dr. Spiegel in Boston. Rhinoplasty, scalp advance, lip lift, and I think I'm going to try cheek injections. He recommended cheek implants, but I'm generally opposed to having things implanted in me, except for the government-mandated microchips, of course (hey, we gotta keep track of the transgenders, right?).

I'm going to keep the changes subtle. I know I'm okay already. I know this because...

I don't have a lot of experience dating boys. I've had sex with guys since my surgery, but I wouldn't call what we did "dating" in any real sense. I've dated a lot lately, though -- both guys and girls. I had a nice date with a guy who plays on my new coed softball team last night. I think it was the first date I've ever gotten through without the trans thing entering into the picture.

Scotti (I know -- girl name, but no, I checked and he's not) played with us for the first time two weeks ago. He's a good player, super skinny and very cute. He plays shortstop and I usually play 3rd. I was teasing him about his hitting whenever he made an out. Boys like it when you tease them and then get pouty if they tease you back. I could tell straight away that he liked me. I've had enough guys flirt with me to know when they're interested. I thought he was going to ask me out after that first game. I sure as hell gave him plenty of opportunity and signals, but he was shy and he's a boy, so he's generally pretty clueless about when a girl's giving him clear signs that she's interested back. I told him, "well, I'll see you next week then?" and he told me he works 'til 11 pm usually (he's a cop), so no, probably not. "Okay, well I'm sure I'll see you again, anyway."

Scotti showed up for this week's game anyway, and I knew right away that he was there because of me. Our team is 0-8. The team got moved up 3 divisions from where they were last season for reasons that aren't really clear. We're totally getting crushed in this new division. You don't go out of your way to come to a game because you really want to get slaughtered, you do it to flirt with the cute 3rd basewoman you were too shy to ask out after last week's game. Someone else mentioned that Scotti had taken the whole day off. Yeah, I know what that means. I gave him my number after the game, as he was walking me to my car. He finally got the hint.

Any uncertainty about whether people on my team know I'm trans are gone. They don't know. They can't tell. Guys can't tell, and some of them think I'm cute, and not because I'm trans (some guys do like that, you know). This is literally a dream come true, and it makes me question my desire for cosmetic surgery again, because clearly I blend in fine already and some people find me attractive, even without surgery. So I'll go ahead with my appointment in Boston, but keep the changes subtle. Spiegel's good at that, which is why I chose him.

I've said before that I'm not interested in going "stealth". I'm still not. I do like it if I can go out with someone without my date figuring out I'm trans, and without my having to bring it up. I'm still fretting over when's the right time to tell someone. This new guy, this guy who's a cop with access to background checks and stuff like that, could find out easily enough. Also, I won't have sex with anyone without disclosing first. That's for safety and also out of a sense of obligation -- if it might matter to a guy (or girl for that matter), I think I owe it to him to be upfront. If he's gotten to know me a bit first, I think it will go smoother, but the longer I wait, the more likely it is that he finds out on his own.

It would have been really easy to tell if Scotti had Googled my name or done a check on me. I think I'd have known if he had any suspicion even that I am transgender. But just to be sure, I suggested we play a game where we take turns asking each other questions, and we each have to answer honestly. He only got to the fact that I'm bisexual from my asking him if he'd ever kissed a guy ("no"). I found I could lead him to the questions I wanted him to ask me easily enough with my questions, and deflect anything that might get him to details about my past that I don't want him to know yet. I'm clever that way. I did make occasional obscure references to my former self, referring to him as my "worse half" who is "no longer with us". I added that I didn't really want to talk about "him", but no we were never married and yes I'm totally over him now (all true). And I inherited all of his stuff, like that pool table you saw in my living room when you picked me up. I didn't lie, but I definitely omitted details I didn't want to share. He knows I have a big secret, but that I don't want to tell him yet. He definitely would not guess what the secret is. He's going to be very shocked next date.

When he dropped me back home I decided to let Scotti kiss me, even though I'm a little wary of what that could mean to him later. He said he'd been wanting to kiss me all night. I know. I saw your face when you showed up and I opened the door. I saw how nervous you were with me until I put you at ease with the little Q&A game. Boys are really easy to figure out. Girls are more mysterious. Some, even more than others.