I think I just played the absolute worst two games of softball I've played since joining this slow-pitch league. Oddly enough, we won our first two games of the season, and are now 2-8 overall. It sure wasn't my hitting or fielding that did it. I was distracted as hell. I really couldn't get my mind in the game at all. I knew exactly why.
I had told Scotti I was going to tell him my secret after the game. We decided to go out for a burger. For me, a bacon cheeseburger with lettuce, tomato, grilled onions, mushrooms, jalapeno peppers and mayo. I needed it. I made sure to get a hug in there, too. Partly because I needed one, and partly because I wanted to see if there was a difference between the pre- and post-revelation hugs.
If there's a downside to blending in as a woman, it's this: people don't see it coming at all when you eventually have to tell them you're transgender (and you will). This can make things awkward as hell. Scotti didn't even really know what to ask me or what to say. He was totally flustered, just like I had been all night up until I told him. At least I felt like a load had been lifted off me, but I hadn't gotten rid of it; I just shifted it over onto him.
I told him to take some time to digest it and see how he feels about dating a trans girl. He might come around, but my guess right now is no. The trans thing's in the way now and it will probably stay in the way. It sure wasn't the same after I told him. He kissed me goodnight, but it was a pretty non-committal, nervous kiss. Not nervous like he was on our first date, either -- a very different kind of nervous.
Funny, but both kisses seemed to be asking, "what do I do now?", but in completely different ways. I guess we'll see.
3 weeks ago