Transitioning is a funny thing. If you're like me, you spend a lot of time fantasizing about what it might be like -- years, in fact -- with very little realization of what it will actually be like to live as the person you always wished you could be on a day-to-day basis. The initial excitement wears off after a while. Things become mundane, ordinary. There aren't any highs to be had from conquering a fear, because there are no fears anymore. You get used to it.
Transforming yourself from male to female once used to be a small taste of what could be, and it was like taking a step into a new and thrilling world. Now that you're immersed in that world all the time, it's not new anymore. Hiding your vestigial masculinity becomes a chore. The thrill is gone, and you're left with an obsession over the things you wish you could change about yourself. If only...
I've grown a bit tired of this being the central focus of my life. Transgender is a thing that I am. I'm proud of myself for accepting this about myself. I'm happy with who I am now. I was actually pretty happy with who I was before, too, but I'm even happier with the new me. But being transgender doesn't define me completely. It doesn't even come close.
I don't try to hide it. I don't want to hide it. I also don't want to hide behind it, like this is all that I am.
Last night at softball, my teammate's daughters cheered me on with chants of "go miss Suzanne!" These adorable little tykes will never know me as anything but Suzanne, as a woman. They don't know there was ever another me.
It makes me feel really good sometimes, just little moments where I'm not thinking about the transition or being transgender. I'm just me. And I looked in the mirror this morning as I was getting ready to leave for work, and I thought, "hey, you look cute today." And maybe I don't get a thrill from dressing as a woman or wearing makeup, but I still like it. And I wasn't scrutinizing every little thing about myself that needs to be fixed or changed, because I'm pretty happy with how I am today.
I hope it lasts. I could feel this way forever and never get bored with it.
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Benefit
22 hours ago
6 comments:
Suzanne, you called it - you are you, not a transgendered person but Miss Suzanne. One thing I've learned from my own nephews and nieces is that kids are free of artifice and guile: they also call things as they see them. If a kid thinks you are a woman then rest assured that's what you are. Any vestigial masculinity is purely in your mind and your history. Just rejoice in being you. Perhaps if you think you have to, if not constantly, then occasionally, justify your existence here then perhaps it's time to draw a line under this outlet for your creativity? I know that on the one hand I'd think that the online world was a poorer place if that came to pass, but I also know that the real world was a commensurately richer place. Just be the person you have strived to be and the one that we have witnessed emerging over the past couple of years of your blog. Strength.
Yours,
Rachael
Perfect. You have described the place that many of us want to be at. I know it might not happen every day but when it does it must be a wonderful "in sync" moment.
I am so glad you are there. I hope to be able to join you in that same place someday. Keep going girl, you are keeping the rest of us on our toes with glimpses of things to come. I am so very happy for you.
Hugs,
Sharon
EXACTLY. Transitioning for me hasn't made me happy, it has simply removed a *major* source of unhappiness. A major one that began to occupy 60% of my brain. Now I just have the same relationship, money, job issues as everyone else.
But...
The simple pleasures of looking good, clothes...fashion ? They should never fade, should they ?
With a bedrock of living in your true identity, the foundations for happiness are TRULY in place.
May you continue to experience that Joie de Vivre Miss Suzanne !! x
May this be just the beginning of the beautiful things coming your way!
alan
What a lovely post, Suzanne.
I'm happy with who I am now.
Never forget you said that.
Calie xxx
Ah, it's great to hear some thoughts from the 'other side'. Looking at womanhood from this side of the fence it does seem quite magical, and every moment has music playing with faries dancing.
Your post was a good reminder that life goes on, even after the transition.
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