It really wasn't supposed to hurt this much. I'm supposed to be ready to move on.
I saw Alison for the first time since she broke it off with me. I guess that was just under three weeks ago, but it seems like a lot longer. I'm not over her. I didn't go in to this kidding myself that I was, or that I would get through seeing her without crying. All I promised her in my email was that I wouldn't cry as much as the last time she saw me. It went pretty much according to plan. I cried a lot less than last time.
We got together for drinks after work at a gay bar we both like in DC. It was nice to see her. I caught her up on the depressing chaos that is my life these past few weeks. How I have no real idea what I want to do anymore, career-wise. Not this, whatever it is I'm doing now -- I've got it narrowed down by that much, anyway. How I quit my support group. How I'm slowly getting my legs back into shape with the jogging. How I'm getting ready to start dating again, looking for other jobs, and so forth. Alison told me about her mother having rotator cuff surgery, and how she's applying for other jobs, and she's doing her activism stuff. And she's not seeing anyone new yet, but she's chatting with a couple of girls on OkCupid.
I didn't talk about how I cried for three days straight after she dumped me. I didn't tell her how I still pile the extra pillows up behind me when I go to bed every night and pretend she's spooning with me. Or how that usually still makes me cry.
I still don't get exactly what wasn't working for her. She says she didn't want to be in a serious relationship. Okay. In my mind, I can't help but append that with the qualifier "with you", but okay. I guess that's just another way of saying, "I didn't love you". Nothing new there. I've been through this before, and I'll get through it again. The only things I'm still mourning are things that were never there at all in the first place.
I'll be fine. Soon enough, I won't even miss her anymore. One day, I'll be able to think about her without my eyes welling up with tears. Eventually, I'll find someone new who makes me feel as happy or hopefully even happier. And I hope that Alison finds someone she loves who loves her as much as I did, or more. I hope that she and I will stay good friends, and we'll be able to get together for drinks without either of us (mostly me) crying at all.
I'm not there yet, but I'm at least to the point where I want to be over her. I just want to move past this lonely, miserable part and on with my life.
Still, I'm going to need those extra pillows again tonight.
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Benefit
22 hours ago
10 comments:
I never really figured you would be back to running so quickly...I know that you were so healthy "going in" has a lot to do with how quickly you recover, but you still amaze me!
I'm also amazed by the line in your post about "The only things I'm still mourning are things that were never there at all in the first place." So very astute...would that I was smart enough to figure things like that out "back in the day"!
I actually think those words just helped me put away some relationships from then that I've never been able to. So once again, you amaze me and I thank you!
And though I've been married 33 years, I sleep with extra pillows each night...so don't worry about that so much!
alan
*hugs* =(
You made thus far and this little hurdle is just a learning block. I agree with Alan, you amaze me with what your doing with the running and such. Just hang in there, things and your love life with improve.
Suzanne, if you were not on the other side of the country, I'd run over and give you a big hug. Stay strong.
My prayers are with you dear. Hugs.
Vanessa
Yes, it's me again ;)
We all have our tragic moments in life, seems I've had one after another lately too. But one thing I have learned, particularly with relationships that get very serious is that if it doesn't turn out the way you planned, maybe it's actually for the best.
Down the line say two, three years on would you both have been at each other arguing? Would it have gotten nastier to the point of extended pain?
So, to be honest I wonder if these torturous interludes are guiding us to the people we're really meant to be with. Try not to let it bitter your fruit, learn from it, heal from it and find someone who can really appreciate you for who you are and who you are yet to become :)
Much love and hugs always
Tryst x
Suzanne, are you all right?
Sarah
Suzanne, add me to the list. Please let us know you are OK.
Calie xxx
I am fine. Just haven't felt like writing anything in a while, sorry.
Ugg, wrote the entire thing, previewed it, when I got back, it was gone ='-(
As it has been a ong time since you have posted, I am coming to the realization that your public story is coming to an end. While I am saddened, as it was, to me, like a lighthouse at sea; It is not the whole reality, but is, neverhteless, a reality in and of itself, itself lost from the reality we have come to expect, but equally as real to those who are willing to see. That's a complement. However, I also see that this is not just the ending of your story, but the culmination. The story will go on, but you don't have to share it with all of the 20 or so people who regularly read it. While we all deeply appreciated it, I believe that it was in part, your way of coping, and understanding the dramatic changes, realizations, acknowledgements, and understandings that you were, and still are undergoing. But now, perhaps, these have been integrated into the accpeted norm now, and you are distraught by more ordinary albeit painful plights. You have, perhaps completed your journey, and are now on the road more taken. Maybe you are past the detour that most of us do not have to, or are satisfied not taking, and are now able to live a life not necessarliy worth publishing. Again, a good thing, if you see it as such. In essence, I hope that you have overcome your hurdle, and, having freed yourself of that abyss, have brought back that piece of the abyss, still retaining that value that you had learned, but are not overwhelmed my the blinding tempest. Once again, thank you, and, good luck.
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