I was dreading this feeling. I knew it was coming, but I didn't know how fast. At some point, holding onto your grief becomes just too exhausting, and you have to let it go. There was a part of me that was dying, and clinging to it wasn't keeping it alive, but it was all I knew how to do. Now the wound inside me is healing and scar tissue is forming in its place. It's much less sensitive. I'm sad, but my whole world has not collapsed. I'm lonely, but there are things to look forward to. I still cry, but I don't have to dwell endlessly on unrealistic hopes about what might have been.
Me from two days ago would look at the person I am today and hate her. Pre-breakup Suzanne wasn't stupid or naive enough to think that she had found a perfect love that could never be replaced, but she was in love and she wasn't picky enough to think that it has to be perfect, either. She wasn't ready to let that go just yet, and somehow it seemed like a terrible injustice to put Alison up on the shelf in my mind of girls I've dated and broken up with and gotten past. Bittersweet memories. It should have come down to more than that, shouldn't it?
Today's me is moving on, not because she particularly wants to, but because she has to. I'm realistic. I know things will be better soon. I accept that Alison and I probably wouldn't have worked out in the long run. I'm glad for the memories. I'm not unemotional, but I am becoming more and more rational about it. Somehow, it seemed better to be able to embrace my misery and hold onto it, however much I knew I couldn't do that forever. Maybe reality is just the thing that destroys our feelings, and leaves us numb.
Time heals all wounds. It also leaves you a little bit bitter and jaded. Accepting that is accepting your own death, albeit slowly.
Time to move on. I have things to do. I have to dilate again, then I'll go for a run, and I'll go from there. It's a beautiful day out and the sun is shining and the birds are singing and I hate myself.
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Transition Day
3 weeks ago
5 comments:
Hang in there sweet pea.
Suzanne, I've not sent you my condolences yet, as they just seemed so trivial compared to the pain you are going through. Please know though that your recent blogs have brought me to tears of empathy for you. I've been where you are. The pain is difficult, but you seem to be handling it quite well. "Time heals all wounds." I've told myself this over the years... but I think your comments about numbness, bitterness, and becoming jaded are something I can more relate to.
As it turns out, Nicky and I have had feelings for each other for over a year, and neither recognized it. Even after our love blossomed and we announced it to the world, I was unable to fully open my heart. She struggled to break though this bitterness and my jaded heart for several weeks - but she succeeded finally.
Someone will come along and heal this, sweetie. It may not be as soon as you'd like, but stay open to it, ok? You're a very special woman. I have every faith that you will find your special someone. Having said that, continue healing. You have so many people out here that love you. Lean on us, ok? Rebecca xxx
Heading out into the sunshine myself in a few...I'll be thinking of you!
alan
Suzanne, I have held off as I wanted to avoid the "me too" comment which is so easy to leave here.
Here is what I know, you are awesome, and everybody I know who knows you thinks so. And although you are in great pain today, this too will pass with time. And your future holds undiscovered joys. I know this to be true because you have touched so many others with your story and your person. Myself included.
Take that pain you feel today and "own it" so that you can use it as a brick, one of many, in that foundation you have built for moving ahead.
You are a good person. A kind person. And soon you are going to be a very happy person, if you are not there yet just wait, you will be, it is coming. Life throws tests at us all the time. How we respond says more about our character than any other thing.
You are strong. You will take this and make it your own. I know it.
Gee, I hope you don't hate yourself. If you do, after all this effort you've gone to, after all the change that you've endured to be the real you, the you that you desperately wanted to be, and you still hate yourself, what chance is there for those of us still on the fence, wondering if we make the leap into the great unknown whether it will bring the end to the pain that we've suffered for a lifetime?
I only know you through your writing but I expect that the "hate" is the internalisation of the pain you feel at rejection (it's only human) and you're using that motivation to power through this painful episode. I have every faith that you will, but it won't be easy. We've all been there. We all feel for you.
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