Living the Dream

Two weeks ago I dreamt that Alison broke up with me. I woke up crying. Tonight, she broke up with me for real. I started crying as soon as she said "we need to talk" or whatever it is people say in those situations. I felt myself instantly withdraw into my head, and all I could hear was the ambient sounds of the restaurant. Alison's lips were moving, but I couldn't process most of what she was saying.

"It's not you." "You're beautiful and smart and fun and I don't deserve you." "I just can't be in a relationship right now."

I picked up bits and pieces, but I was paralyzed. Everything sounded far away and muffled. All I could feel were the tears streaming down my face. I knew this was coming, too. From the way Alison had cancelled plans with me yesterday, to the fact that tonight she wanted to meet somewhere in the middle between our places, to the way she didn't want to talk about plans for this coming weekend at all. Well, except for the part about how she was going to roller derby on Saturday, without asking me if I'd want to go. The signs were all there, and I'd seen them but I didn't want to admit it. But I still knew. I've known since that dream; I was just hoping I was wrong.

I feel stupid. I knew this was going to happen. I cried about it on the phone with Jani last night, a full day before Alison broke up with me. I spent all last night thinking how hard this recovery period is going to be on both of us and our relationship, and how lonely it would be without her. I thought about how nice the past five months has been with her. Not perfect, but nice. In the shower this morning, I thought that even if we don't make it through this period, it's still been a nice relationship. Not every relationship has to last forever to be a success. Ours was, as far as I'm concerned.

But she wasn't in love with me. And I guess that's that.