E3000 Diary, Round 3

I'm trying to squeeze in two more full clearings (North and South) before my surgery in March. This trip's a bit different logistically than the first two for a few reasons:

1) Jani's not with me. She's actually having her big surgery in Thailand at the same time I'm in Dallas. I'm alone for this trip.
2) I had to book for a Wednesday to get an appointment this week, so no staying home for the weekend with my beard growing. I haven't shaved since Saturday, but I'm still going in to the office Monday and Tuesday.
3) Since my recovery was so much faster last time, I decide I can fly back immediately and recover at home. I've got electrolosis from 9:30 am - 6:00 pm Wednedsday and an 8:00 pm fight back to DC. Sitting at home by yourself beats sitting in a hotel room by yourself.

December 16 (Tuesday)

If anyone notices my beard growth, they're not saying anything. I'm trying to decide if that's good or bad. On the one hand, not having it pointed out to you that you look like shit sounds like a good thing, right? But on the other hand, are they unobservant or just too sensitive to your feelings to point out to you when you really do look rotten? Because either way, it sort of belies anything nice that these people might say about you other times. Maybe you always look sort of weird to them, and they're holding that back.

I'm over thinking it, I know. People are polite, and I have to go turn that into a bad thing in my head. I don't want to be stared at for being a freak, and yet I sort of wish people would notice that I don't look at all at my best today, because I'm planning to look better soon. That's all. But first, I'm planning to look much, much worse. We'll get to that part soon.

After work, I leave my car at the office and hop on the metro to Reagan National Airport. I might get an occasional look, but I definitey don't get stared at much here, either. Or at the airport. Or on the plane. Finally, in Dallas, on the shuttle bus to the car rental counter, an old woman next to me is staring at my face. She thinks I don't see her, but I do, out of the corner of my eye. Yeah, she's staring good and hard at my stubble, and she thinks it's weird. Good. I do too.

It's late when I get in. Too late to impose on my friends who live in Dallas. I get a car, check into a cheap hotel I booked near the airport (Super 8 - smells a little funny, but the heat works -- oh, yeah, it's 30 degrees in Dallas by they way, which is colder than it was in DC -- and it's comfortable). The front desk clerk is cute and very nice, and an older gentleman flirts with me on the elevator. He definitely doesn't notice the stubble. Maybe it's just not that noticeable, except up close.

I get ready for bed and check my email for news on Jani's progress. She's through surgery and everything's good so far. I write a quick congratutatory note to her and turn in for the night after watching a couple of reruns of Sex and the City. I've got Pikachu to keep me company. Mr. Bear and Meekrat have been to Dallas on previous trips, but this is Pikachu's first time here. He's a little nervous about that, but I'm here with him to make sure he's okay.

Here we are, getting ready for bed at the (très chic) Super 8 Motel near DFW airport in Dallas:




December 17 (Wednesday)

I'm up and showered and packed up by 8 am, leaving me plenty of time to enjoy the complimentary breakfast buffet at the Super 8. Fodor's says that this is a "can't miss" if you're staying in Dallas. Try the raisin bran. You'll swear it's a brand-name cereal -- it's just that good.

The guy who checked me in last night is still working the front desk when I check out. Why do I spend so much time complaining about my job? Oh well.

I'm over at E3000 at 9:10, just as Sabrina's opening up. I pop 3 Advils (forgot to bring any, but they have a big jar of them in the bathroom, I remember. I don't have any other drugs this time, because my supplier is off in Thailand having her fancy new vagina installed, so she can think she's all better than me. I will never forgive Jani for abandoning me in my time of need this way.

Star's out sick, leaving me with one technician for this morning. Denise works on me solo until lunch, and then after lunch Sabrina will try to free up so I've got two again. Good, because I can't really stay late or come back tomorrow, since my flight out is at 8 tonight.

The shots hurt just the same as before, with or without whatever drugs Jani had been giving me. They didn't help the pain. They did help calm me, though, because 3 times during the procedure I start crying and beg them to stop for just a minute so I can collect myself. It's horrible. It's painful. I pop about 9 Advil over the course of the session, hoping it dulls the pain somewhat.

The electrolysis itself is painless as with the other clearings, except when they grab a "stray" hair outside the numbed area. Those are way more painful than other electrolysis I've had, so the shots, as horrible as they are, are absolutely worth it. I'm hoping more pain means more effective. E3000 is defnitely focused on results. I'm glad for that.

Over lunch, I chat with the other client they've got in, Chloe. She's here for treatment #5. She's also doing face and surgery prep. I ask her how many clearings she's expecting to need. She says they told her 14. Fourteen?!? I want out of this. I can't live with the idea that this would take me 11 more sessions. I'm not even going to think about this. She must be mistaken. Anyway, her face is getting cleared much faster than mine. It looks like she's almost done for the day, after having two people work on her for the morning. I'm also more swollen.

In the afternoon, with Sabrina added into the mix, we start to get more chatty. I chime in when I can, but I'm trying to talk without moving the parts of my face that they are working on, which is very hard to do. Plus, my lips have balloned up to 3x their normal size and my entire mouth is numb. I still manage to get them to dish some dirt on a couple of the more obnoxious clients they've had over the years. Nothing I haven't seen before. Hang around with transsexuals enough and you'll meet some strange characters. (Readers of my blog excluded, of course.)

Around 5 pm, we're nearly done with my face and it's time to start working on my genital area. This is the third time today I am crying and begging them to please stop in the middle of a round of shots. After that's over, the rest goes painlessly, and I'm out the door by 6:15, more or less on time for my flight. Thanks to my awesome driving skills, a rental car shuttle that's ready to go when I get there, and a short line for security, I'm at the gate by a little after 7. My flight is late, though. I think we take off at 9 pm or so.

I'm getting some stares this time. I look hideous. I've been crying, my hair's a mess, and my face is swollen to hell and back. I fix myself up a bit in the airport bathroom, but this is as good as it gets:



I land in DC at 12:30 am, and the trains have stopped running, so I grab a $20 cab back to my office, where I left my car yesterday. I stop in to my office, and skim the 100 emails in my inbox, and answer 3 of them. I'm home by 2 am, swollen and very tired. This was a long, long day, but it's nice to be home.

Flight: $290
Hotel: $55
Car: $70
Electrolysis (approx. 11.5 hours total): $1290
Cabs, meals and incidentals: $40-45

Total for this trip: $1750


December 18 (Thursday)

I think it was a good plan to fly back last night. Had I stayed in Dallas until today, my face would have been more swollen for the flight. It always swells up the worst the day after the procedure.



I know how the rest of this will go. My face looks no worse than it did at this point last trip, so by Saturday I'll be mostly better. I think I had almost as much electrolysis this time around as with the prior session. I'm hoping with the next session (booked for February), it doesn't take 10 hours to clear my face alone.

After a couple more of these trips, I might be able to do this more locally, and cut down on travel expenses. My friend Stacey does 5-6 hour sessions up in Philadelphia. She doesn't get her whole face cleared in that time, but she does get the lidocaine injections. Down here in DC, I was paying $125/hr without the shots. I've got to check with her on what she's paying.

I really like all of the ladies down at E3000, though. They seem genuinely sympathetic to trans women, and they're extremely good at what they do. The process itself sucks, but they definitely make it more tollerable.

Anyway, that's another successful clearing under my belt (literally, for part of it). If this is session 3 of 14, well, I'm going to have to reconsider this whole process though. I mean, if people aren't even going to notice the stubble when I don't shave for 4 days, why am I putting myself through this torture?

My aim is true.

I'm wrapping up another really good weekend here. So far, so good on the relationship front. Alison and I have a lot of fun together. We went to a lesbian bar on Saturday, got a little drunk and made out on the dance floor. I like dancing. I like dancing with Alison especially.

I also met Alison's sister and her sister's partner on Friday night. They were visiting from out of town. They seemed really nice, and I don't think I made a horrible impression or anything. It went well. At one point over dinner, her sister asked us we were "exclusive". We've only been dating for three weeks, and so we hadn't really discussed it, but I've never been the sort of person who would date more than one person at a time. Not seriously, in any case. I turned to Alison and let her answer, though, and she said (after a pause) "yes". And I agreed, "yes". Her sister laughed. Did you just decide that right now? "Pretty much, yeah."

Later in the evening, Alison's sister mentioned a former girlfriend who broke up with Alison because she decided she was into guys. Suzanne, don't hurt her. I got a little knot in my stomach from that one. Alison asked me if I liked guys or girls before she asked me out that night at Dean's birthday party. I sort of thought I was leaning towards being into guys more than girls. Now I'm not so sure, but I know I'm in a state of flux, sexually. I was almost hoping to avoid a serious relationship right now just for that reason. Anyway, I told her at the outset that I'm bisexual, and that's true. Bisexual, but I've never slept with a guy.

At one point this weekend, I clarified to Alison that there is a chance that sometime after my surgery I'm going to decide I need to be with a man. Frankly, I don't know if I will or not. I only know there's some curiosity there. Suzanne, don't hurt her. I don't want to hurt her. I'm not trying to hurt anyone, but I can't deny that I'm changing in ways I can't control.

I wish I had slept with a couple of the guys who hit on me in bars and clubs in the past 6 months or so. I wish one of the really cute ones had even made a real effort to get me to have sex with him. It probably wouldn't have been all that great, and I'd feel like it's out of my system. Then I wouldn't feel like this is weighing on me for some point down the road.

This is stupid. I've been dating Alison for three weeks. I don't need to think 5 years ahead. I'm having fun with her. She likes my cooking. We get along great. She likes stuff. I like stuff. When I wake up in her arms, I feel happy and secure. I'm definitely falling in love with her. What's some guy going to do for me that she can't? Most of the guys I've even found attractive are gay and wouldn't want me. And who needs some musty man pounding away inside you, anyway? Women are way more interesting to talk to and do things with.

So, I'm still going with this and seeing where it takes me. So far, so good, like I said. In fact, soooo good.

Funny Girl

I've been trying to make an effort to clean up the paper trail of my old self, replacing his name with mine on old accounts and records. Why does it matter? I'm not exactly secretive about being trans and don't plan to go "stealth". Maybe I just don't like that there are all those things to remind me. I keep coming across stray accounts with "Scott" still on them, and it doesn't really bother me, but I try to correct them as I find them.

This week it was the organizers of a science competition I was a finalist in back in school (they contacted me -- or rather him -- for a survey) and my Amazon profile. I used to write satirical reviews of (mainly) classic literature on Amazon. I was trying to capture the absurdity of the way people on the internet will offer up their uninformed opinion on things they do not understand, by juxtaposing my semi-literate off-topic reviews with great works of fiction. Some of my reviews got deleted by Amazon I guess, but a lot are still up there. I know for a fact that I reviewed "1984", because (a) it's one of my favorite books, and (b) I make reference to the deleted review in my take on "Brave New World". I remember giving "1984" a bad review because it was a sci-fi book that wasn't even set in the future. I mean, come on! Oh well, some of my satire is lost to the ages then.

Well, anyway, my favorite part was always the comments people left on my reviews where they didn't get that it was a joke, and so they'd get all indignant that I had given a bad review to "Moby Dick" after I'd read only 20 pages and decided it was crap because Melville wouldn't stop rambling on and get to the part with the whales. The internet is good for messing with total strangers. They play along, because everyone's used to people being complete idiots online.

I used to like to do that sort of thing a lot more. Many of my college friends, who knew me as being rarely ever serious, thought that my transition was just a big prank when I told them. My friend Keith even had a friend of his analyze my pictures to make sure they weren't Photoshopped. I can't blame them. Scott was usually joking if he wasn't completely closed off.

Well, that was him and this is me. I'm a lot more serious these days I guess.

In other news, my new more serious style is starting to earn me critical acclaim. I recently received a review of my writing from none other than famed film critic Roger Ebert. He wrote, "This is deeply facinating." How many authors of blogs about being a transgender woman do you know who've received such high praise for their writing? Only one, I bet.

Why is this girl smiling?

Being transgender isn't always fun. There, I finally admitted that for the 100th time here.

Then again, sometimes it really is. When I was closetted with this, I always liked having this part of me, even if I did feel like I had to hide it. My shameful secret was a source of a lot of pain for me, but it was never something I wanted to rid myself of (okay, maybe once or twice, but practically never). I don't know if it's because this has been with me ever since I can remember, and so I feel that it's just a part of me, or if it's because in my fantasies it also gave me joy and a sense of fulfillment at times.

Now that I'm out and pretty comfortable with myself as I am, I may not always be happy with myself or even happy at all, but there are a lot of times when I do feel yeah, this is good -- this is who I am and it's nice. It's not much like the fantasies I had before, because it's actually much better. Sometimes.

Other times it sucks. I've covered that pretty well, and I won't dwell on it anymore today. Being transgender does suck, but it's also great.

Here are some things that are great:

1) Whenever someone treats me like a woman. A stranger. A friend. Whether they know or not. Sometimes it still catches me off guard even, not because I'm expecting to get called "sir" but just because it's still novel in a way. It's always a good thing.

2) Feeling like a woman, finally. Whether I look the part or not, this is pretty much a full-time feeling for me now. It's great. Amazing, even. Sometimes it feels strange, believe me, but overall, amazing.

3) Forgetting that I'm even a trans at all. Rare, but sometimes the transgender thing isn't even occupying my thoughts at all.

4) Noticing subtle changes in myself. Little things that Scott would have done differently. For a while, a lot of this felt fake in some ways, and now it's just natural. I don't recognize that other person I used to be. I don't just mean physical changes, but also my reactions and attitude and approaches to everyday things.

5) Crying for no reason. Why is this on a list of good things? Because it feels good to let it out, even when I don't know what "it" is. I credit the hormones. Testosterone would have made me want to yell, break something and/or bottle it all up.

6) Being myself. Finally. I'm still me, only better.

Girls Just Want To Have Fun

Just when you think you have things figured out, something comes along and jars you and throws your whole perspective out of kilter.

For me, it started a month ago, when I had my Halloween party. I was a little bit drunk at the time and I was chatting with another trans girl who seemed to be interested in me. I was dressed as a boy, but I still felt very much like a girl. It felt a little bit strange to be flirting with another girl, but I guess that's not really new territory for me. Alison was very beautiful and seemed nice. She seemed to like me. I wasn't at all sure how I felt about dating a girl, but I was definitely attracted to her. I was hoping she wasn't attracted to me because I looked masculine.

We met again a week ago at another party for a mutual friend. I was a girl again this time. We chatted all evening; we danced at a gay cowboy bar; we sang karaoke together. We were awful at two out of three of those, but it was fun. It felt good. She asked me out for a date later in the week and I said yes.

Since then, we've been together a lot. It's been something of a whirlwind, and it has included some of my most memorable dates ever. Plus, besides just dating, we've been shopping together and got a mani/pedi for an upcoming formal benefit we're going to later this week. I helped Alison pick out her cocktail dress. She helped me find a stole to go with mine. We're going to be dazzling as a couple, I think. I can't wait for Tuesday.

I'm a little bit confused since I know that I am also attracted to men. I worry that could come between us eventually. I could also see this turning into a bond I could never have with a man or a genetic woman. I was lonely, but I thought it wasn't a good time in my life to start a romantic relationship. As much as I like Alison, and as much as I love being with her... as much as I think that I am falling in love with her, I wonder if I am setting myself up for a fall.

I guess I'll just go with this and see where it takes me. That's worked well for me for the past year and a half.