One thing you probably wouldn't get a sense of if you follow my blog regularly is that I do have quite a lot of moments of relative calm. I tend to write these entries more often when something is exciting or something is really bothering me, depressing me, or frustrating the hell out of me. I don't have all that much to say when things are just normal, and most of the time, things are.
This is not one of those times, so you get one of my usual blog entries today...
I need to quit my job. I can't do this. I'd really like to switch to a job where nobody knows me, and they're getting to know me as Suzanne for the first time, never having worked with him. I can't point to any particular reasons why I shouldn't be able to carry on in my old job, but I'm pretty sure this isn't good for me. In fact, it's killing me.
Maybe I already needed a change of jobs before all this started and my transition is just opening me up to the reality of that. Maybe I'm just not as good as he was at this job. That's what it feels like. It feels like people expect me to be something I'm not; something I can't be. They want to go on like nothing's changed, but something big has changed, and that something is me. I just need a job where I can reinvent myself without living in the shadow of my former self. It makes a difference, whether people knew you before or not. I don't mind if they know I'm trans, but I don't want them to have known me as a man.
This decision is one I've been putting off since I first transitioned. I couldn't change jobs then, but something told me this was going to be a problem. I still wanted to give this a good chance to work. It isn't going to work though. I sort of knew that when I had my first 1-on-1 meeting with my manager after going full time, and I mentioned to him that I was glad the company supported my transition, and I was especially happy that management was so supportive, but knew it had to be harder for him, since he has to work directly with me. I asked him whether it was strange for him, and in his reply I sensed discomfort: "well, you know, whatever."
I'd have been fine with genuine support or an honest admission that he was put off by my transition. Trying to carry on like nothing's changed isn't going to work for me, though. That's how I feel he's been treating it, and even though I doubt he would admit it to himself let alone me, I don't think he's comfortable with this. That's going to just continue to strain our working relationship. Maybe I'm wrong about the cause, but lately it feels like he's just looking for things to find fault with me and ways to blame me for things that are outside of my purview. I'm not getting much encouragement in there. I think he'd be relieved to see me go, too.
Well, he wins. I'm leaving. Today, I updated my resume, applied for a couple of other open positions within the company, and spoke with two directors I've worked with in the past about things they have open or opening up. I feel like I've been with my current group for about 9 years too long, and even though I love my team, I find myself hating my job lately.
I'll look for something in a new company as a possibility, also, but until I'm done with sex reassignment surgery (currently planned for the end of the year), I don't know that it would be a good thing to start off with a new company needing to take over a month off. It's better if I can find a way to stay here in the company for now, but I can't stay where I am.
This job is holding me back in more ways than one, and feels like an anchor to my former self. Maybe that's just me, and maybe it's not just me, but it's still there either way. I'm glad I transitioned within my current position, but I think now it's time to start fresh.
3 weeks ago