Yesterday was torture-myself-with-hair-removal day. Epilation, laser, and electrolysis -- I did them all. My pain threshhold was very low. I cried during the electrolysis. Gillian, my electrologist, felt really bad but said she was going to ignore my sobs unless I said to stop, since I'm paying her by the hour. I feel bad for making her feel bad for hurting me. I just wasn't emotionally equipped to handle the pain this time. Plus, I was down to begin with. Laser was more painful but much, much quicker. My face felt like it had gone a few rounds of bare-knuckle boxing by the time it was over. It's fine today.
I'm going to be fine. I keep telling myself that.
I'm better than I was a year ago. I think that's true. Happier? I don't know. I said from the start of this journey that it wasn't necessarily about being happier. I always considered myself a pretty happy person, generally. More fulfilled. That's what this is about. I think. Or something. I don't want my old life back, for whatever that's worth, and it must be worth something given how lowsy I feel right now and yet it's still true.
But I never used to feel lonely. I never really felt like I needed to be around people all the time to feel happy. I even used to feel a drained in social situations, if I didn't get some time to myself. Vacations were tiring. Now I feel the opposite. My last 4 or 5 attempts at calling friends to try to get together (lunch, movie, come over and I'll make dinner) have been fruitless. Jani was originally supposed to come live with me for a while until she got ready to move to San Francisco; then she was interviewing at tech companies out in SF, but she'd come out and visit for a week while she was recuperating from her recent facial feminization surgery; then it was not-this-week-but-in-a-couple-of-weeks; and then it was she can't come up at all, because her wife is jealous.
So I'm alone. And I'm lonely.
I feel like shit today. I definitely don't feel like running. Yesterday, I felt like shit and I didn't feel like running, but I went anyway. The day before was the same. I didn't feel any better having jogged 6 miles either day, and I was sluggish (although I guess I was not all that slow judging by the number of people I passed).
Today, I don't feel like running, either. I'm going out for a run. 8 or 10 miles, depending on how much like cement blocks my legs feel today. It won't help, but at least if I get that out of the way, I can go out to a coffee shop and read or do something where there's people around. I'd like to be outside. It looks nice outside. I'll think about where I can go and what to do while I jog, to pass the time.
Sorry if this post sucks. Today sucks.
Tomorrow I'll probably feel better.
3 weeks ago