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I really could have used a nice relaxing weekend at home after my first week at work as Suzanne. I got a weekend at home, but a lot of it was spent in bed coughing and sneezing, since I came down with a cold on Friday. Not as relaxing as I'd hoped, and this cold has been hell on my voice for the past 4 days and counting. I needed another challenge, apparently.

Alone and sick. I am not happy. I need rest.

I woke up at 3:30 am this morning for the second straight night, but at least this time my throat was not on fire. A mild burn at best, so I'm getting over it. I thought about writing this blog entry then (14 hours ago), but decided to go back to bed despite feeling wide awake. Yesterday, I had stayed awake and paid the price later at work, when I was practically nodding off in my 4pm meeting. I didn't make the same mistake twice. I'm not stupid, and that may be my whole problem.

I assume this post would have come out a lot more interesting in the state I was in this morning, had I written it at 3:30. My stuffy head was crammed full of regret for what I am doing and loathing of what I have become. I'm not sure if it was a moment of clarity or confustion, but a few extra hours of sleep and another day to ponder things have allowed me to see things differently. I'm sure I can recall most of what was bothering me, but I can't recreate my state of mind (hopefully, anyway -- I don't want that back). So here goes...

A lot of people have told me what a lot of courage I must have. Courage to live the life I want to live. Courage to do things that surely must be terrifying to me. I suppose that's true in a way. I don't feel cowardly. But there's a fine line between bravado and self-destruction. The fact is I've made choices, and difficult ones to be sure, but choices which nonetheless have set me on a course that now I feel that I can't back away from easily. Jumping out of a plane takes only a moment of courage, and gravity does the rest.

The problem is not courage; it's the furries. I can't get away from that.

Furries, in case you don't know, are people who fantasize about being animals or dressing up like animals. I think some of them like to get together and dress up and have little animal sex parties or something. Maybe I'm missing the point, but it doesn't really matter. I've got nothing against them, really. Whatever they like to do in the privacy of their own houses is fine with me and all that. I'm sure they're lovely people who I'd be happy to invite over for cocktails and a nice chat. I'd just find it odd if they wanted to show up dressed like a cat or a racoon. Shit. Does that make me a hypocrite?

No, Suzanne -- what you are is somehow validated by the fact that transsexualism has been around since forever and it's not a paraphilia, it's a normal human variation. Being a woman born with a man's body makes sense, in a way that being a squirrel born with a human body cannot.

Look, I don't really want to get into a debate over the causes of transsexualism. There are many theories, and the fact is it's a little-understood condition, and I'm not likely to settle the debate here. Maybe it doesn't matter what causes it, and the only thing that matters is doing what's right for my well-being. Fine, but I'm asking an awful lot of people, including myself, to accept that this is somehow okay and not freakish, or maybe it is freakish but you still have to accept it. Bringing this into the workplace has amplified that quite a bit. Before, it was friends and family and strangers, who could pretty much accept it or avoid me. Coworkers have an obligation. People who report to me at work have to accept this or face real consequenses. They don't get a choice. I jumped out of the plane but there were people tethered to me, you see.

I'm sure most of them are not bothered by this as much as I am. I just worry about the ones that see me as basically a fetishist and a freak, even if they don't know that's what they see and would never admit it if they did. Now, suddenly, whether they're right or wrong in this view changes everything for me. Am I guilty of some real transgression or are they being closed-minded and intollerant?

So the question comes back to what caused my condition. Am I a woman trapped in a man's body? That's an appealing concept to me, as it seems to be to most transsexuals. If you woke up tomorrow and your sex were reversed, who could begrudge you wanting to be the sex you are on the inside? Shame on you if you don't sympathize with me! Or is my condition autogynophilia? That's a controversial theory posited by people who do not seem to be well-liked among transsexuals, which is basically that this all male-to-female transsexuals are either very effeminate gay men (not me) or people with misdirected heterosexual sexual desires, who fantasize about being women. I think that drags us down (if that's the right term) to the level of the furries, you see. That's not an appealing thing to me, in any case -- and again, let me stress that I've got nothing against furries per se, but if you decide to get a surgically-constructed tail, I think most of the world is going to see that as being a bit strange.

I don't know. I'm not blessed with the talent most people seem to have to see whatever theory is most convenient to their situation as being The One Clear Truth and all else as insane nonsense and heresy. So occasionally I'm going to suffer through moments of self-doubt and maybe even self-loathing. You didn't think this was all sunshine and roses, did you?

But you know what? Fuck it. The world's a strange place and it's full of strange people. If you want to live in it, you have to accept that. That's the conclusion I've come to. Maybe I'm a freak and maybe I'm a normal variation on the human condition, and maybe that's the same thing, even. I can accept that. People can see me how they see me, and I don't especially need validation.

Changing your sex is a difficult thing to do, but the things that are hardest about it are not the things most people would think of. It's coming to terms with yourself that's the really hard part. I'm going to have to take that as it comes, I think.

Weak One

Today wrapped up my first week at work as Suzanne, and I made it through unscathed but exhausted. It's at the same time everything I wanted it to be and also much more of a challenge than I expected. I'm glad I did it, and I'm glad I did it now, although that could be the king-sized cosmopolitan talking, which is definitely starting to kick in as I write this. Or, it could be the handful of Hershey's cherry cordials (1/2 price Valentine's Day candy at Giant!) digesting and producing happy chemical reactions in my brain.

Either way, it's still true.

I have had a very positive reception at work. People couldn't have been nicer for the most part, and I think a lot of people really respect my courage in this. I sometimes can't believe I'm actually doing it, myself. Other people are clearly less than comfortable, but are making a good effort to hide that from me. Maybe they think I'm weird. Maybe they're afraid they'll say the wrong thing and get in trouble. Maybe they're just in shock. Whatever it is, I'm pretty good at reading people, and I can sense discomfort. But everyone seems to accept it, comfortable or not. It's just going to take some getting used to, for them and for me, too.

Today was less tiring than the past two days. That's a good sign. But maybe it's because I had fewer meetings today and had an endocrynology appointment in the morning so it was a short day.

Meetings are tough. I definitely feel less confident in voicing my opinion, not because I'm a girl, but because I feel inadequate. I don't want to speak up. I don't feel confident in my voice itself. I wish it were more feminine. I'm back to being the kid who didn't do the reading in high school, who is just hoping he doesn't get called on. I'm sitting there praying one of the smart kids has the right answer, because otherwise people are going to turn to me for my opinion.

I'm a little worried that if I don't adjust to this, I won't be as good at my job. Scott was sometimes very opinionated, and never hesitant to speak his mind. Suzanne seems to want others to make a decision, and is easier to push around. I don't need to be a jerk (and I don't think I was a jerk), but I do need to stand up for myself. I felt powerless this week in meetings. It was very tiring, mentally and emotionally.

I also cried a little once, in a team meeting I was running yesterday. I think that was okay, though -- I just came off as vulnerable. I was apologizing to my team for springing all this on them, and explaining to them that if it took some time for them to come to terms with it, I'd understand, since it took me 37 years to come to terms with it myself. Cue the waterworks. Blergh.

Aside from meetings, I did really well this week. I got things done. I walked around and chatted with people casually. A couple of people told me how relaxed and happy I seemed. And today I felt like I was settling into a routine. It's not totally the same routine as before, but things definitely started to seem more normal and casual, and things are flowing around me instead of me bringing them to a halt. I can sense that people are already getting used to me as Suzanne. In time, maybe they'll forget I was Scott at one point.

I hope they will. The fact is, I can't be him anymore, and I don't want to be. Scott was very good at taking charge of situations, though, and I may not be. Maybe I will be in time, but for right now, I think I'm just going to have to find other ways to contribute, and depend on my teammates more. I want to be me, to be Suzanne, not Scott in a skirt.

I'll figure it out. I always do. I haven't lost my smartitude, just some of my confidence. Next week will be easier, I think. This weekend's going to be about relaxing. I got through week one at work!! I'm proud of myself.

Time to mix myself another cosmo, because this one's tapped, and I'm feeling nicely buzzed. I wish I had someone to celebrate with.

Disorientation Day

Today was my first day back at work since "the announcement". I had logged into my corporate email once over the weekend to see the responses, and Friday after work (but not for me, since I had the day off) I had invited my team out for a happy hour. I didn't tell them beforehand what it was for, but I did stress that I wouldn't take offense if they didn't show up. They pretty much all showed up, which was great. Everyone seemed very surprised, but okay with me being Suzanne now. And the responses from the announcement in my email were all very supportive.

So that's all good.

I'd have to say that today went both worse than I had hoped and also better than I could have expected. Everyone at work was very nice. A few people stopped by to say hi and express how excited they are for me, but mostly people left me alone and tried to get on with business as usual. I felt supported and accepted, and I didn't feel like a freak on display. I don't think you can ask for more.

Still, it dawned on me fairly quickly that I hadn't fully realized how hard it would be for me to suddenly deal with these people as Suzanne. There's no way to ease into this one. Family and friends were easier, because I wasn't dealing with 6,000 of them at a time and I don't deal with them every day. There are a lot of people where I work, and I've built working relationships with them over the course of several years. Uprooting that was a lot to process, both for them and for me.

I'm pretty good at sensing how people are doing comfort-wise. My team supports me, but I can feel their discomfort. This wasn't something they asked for. This wasn't what they signed up for. They are going out of their way to try to make me feel comfortable or maybe to put this behind them and try to interact as normally as possible, but I can tell that it's not easy for them. I have a team meeting tomorrow. I think I'll mention that it's okay if this is a bit weird for them, because it's a bit weird for me, too, and I've been living with it for a lot longer than they have. I don't want them to pretend this isn't there. It's something we're all going to have to adjust to and learn to live with.

This transition is hardest for the people closest to it: me, my manager, and those that report to me. Most others have the luxury of either dealing with it or avoiding me. To a lot of them, it's more of a novelty than anything else. If anyone's bothered by it, I haven't seen them yet. Many people are excited by it. Many people are relieved (I heard second-hand), since they were worried that I was sick or something, with all the physical changes. Some may not care, or may want to ignore it, and that's fine, too.

For me, this was a lot to process today. I honestly got through the day just fine. I was just exhausted by the time it was over. Every situation was stressful, but I didn't really let it show. In the monthly group status meeting (60 or so people), I spoke up a couple of times on my projects. I didn't hide in my office. I went into the market room a few times. I chatted with people. I said hello to people I passed in the halls. I had lunch with my friend Larry at the little cafe downstairs. Pretty much normal behavior, only now it feels like I'm scrutinizing my every movement and word. It will take some time for me to adjust, too.

At the end of the day, my senior VP stopped by to chat and see how things were going. I told him how everyone's been really great. He told me to let him know if there are any problems. He's been really sweet about this. And at the very end of the day, some of my coworkers left me a card that they had circulated and signed. That picked me up considerably.

Still, it felt like a long day, and by the end of it I was throroughly exhausted. Did I ever mention how purses are great things to have? Sometimes you need chocolate after a stressful day, and if you dig around in your purse, there's bound to be some. That got me through the drive home. Then I heated up some leftovers for dinner, changed into my jammies, and plugged in the foot/calf massager my mom got me for my birthday. That put me right to sleep at about 7pm and I slept almost through until 1am. Great. Now my sleep schedule's all off for tomorrow, unless I can manage to get a couple more hours of rest.

Writing on my blog probably isn't gonna help that, and I've already picked out what I'm wearing tomorrow, so I guess that means that means I better crawl off to bed now.

I'm very happy with how today went, but I'm also really glad I picked a short week to start this workplace transition. I have a feeling Friday can't come too soon. This is shaping up to be a very good/very tiring week.

*Yawn*

Full Time

Okay, it's now official. I'm out to basically everyone at work, and as of yesterday at 6pm, I'm no longer ever in male mode.

The first thing I did on my first day full time was to get my ears pierced. That's something I'd been wanting to do for a long time. I wouldn't say it was painless, exactly, but it was totally bearable and a good deal less painful than wearing clip-on earrings for even a couple of hours. I am so, so glad to be rid of those damned things.

The second thing I did was to start clearing out half of my closet. I have a lot more room now, which made the third thing an easy call: more shopping!! Well, I kept it under control today, but I do need more work clothes. I'll shop some more this weekend, too.

The announcement at work seems to have gone fine. I had scheduled a happy hour with my team for after work today, and I told them that if they were uncomfortable coming after today's announcement, I wouldn't take offense. I got there a bit early to be sure to grab us a good spot in the bar, and for a while I have to admit I was worried nobody would show up. But they all did. And it was great. Everyone seemed more or less comfortable with the fact that I am Suzanne now (although they were all quite surprised), and it felt wonderful. I can't wait for Wednesday when I am back at work. I think I am going to enjoy my job a lot more now that I'm not pretending to be someone I'm not.

I'm not naive. I know there will be tough times ahead and there are going to be people who are less than supportive, but overall, I have to say this is going a lot better and easier than I ever expected.

Looking back over the past 8 months, I'm pretty amazed at how far I've come and how fast it's been going. It really has been like I'm being dragged along for a ride, and sometimes I don't even feel like this is real -- it's more like I'm watching it all happen but I can't really control it. And I don't want to control it. I want to keep going and whatever happens this was the right thing for me to do. I'm positive of that.

I think this is the happiest time in my entire life so far.

So why am I crying now as I write this? Silly girl...

Two Days and One Week

Things are busy. Busy at work. Busy at home. Busy with friends who need me, who keep me up chatting too late and then I still need to do laundry and finish cleaning up detritus from my IKEA shopping trip three days ago. And I'm still not getting anything done.

That's not true. I'm getting lots done, I just keep finding more things to do. Today was Tuesday again which meant having to leave work at 11:15 am to drive down to GWU in time to park and do a quick change in the women's room for my voice program. I wore a camisole under my work shirt so that was 10 seconds or so I saved right there, and it made me feel kind of like a transgendered superhero. Anyway, I changed and did quick makeup and hair in about 20 minutes, which is good. Changing back took me another 20 minutes, since washing it off takes about the same. Well, this is the last time for that nonsense.

Two more days at the office as Scott is all I have left. Friday, the day of the official announcement, I am taking a personal day off (that's a new development, at the request of HR) and I already had Monday and Tuesday off. One week from tomorrow is my first day back as Suzanne, and they tell me that in the 70 years my company has been in business, I may well be the first transgendered person to actually transition on the job. Exciting stuff! Maybe I am a superhero after all. Or maybe I'm not the first and just nobody remembers anyone else doing this. Doesn't really matter, either way. I'm sure it will go just fine. I may be a complete mess next Wednesday, but I'll get through it.

I'm getting very nonchalant about telling people lately. This weekend, one of my neighbors called me up as my friend Jani and I were getting back from IKEA and getting ready to have some wine and cheese and relax a bit after a long day shopping. He wanted to talk about some things the homeowner's association wants me to fix and wondered when a good time to come by would be. I told him, "how about right now?" and he said he'd be right over. When I opened the door, he introduced himself and Suzanne introduced herself back and invited him in. Then as he was looking around somewhat anxiously for who he should be talking to, I mentioned that he also knew me as Scott. He was surprised but didn't seem to let it faze him. He was perfectly nice and accepting. I expect most people will be.

One guy at the DMV insisted that I had given him the wrong ID. Another (the one who took my photo) said that I looked beautiful. :) Another DMV guy was all business, but when he asked me if I wanted to continue to be an organ donor, I got him to crack a smile when I turned to Jani and said, "I've got one organ they can take right now if they want it."

So, yeah, I'm getting more and more comfortable with this day by day. I'm already clearing out all the boy clothes from my closet and getting ready to donate them. By my calendar, I only need two more days worth at this point. The rest goes to charity.

(As an aside, if Obama loses the primary by one vote, that's my fault. I already changed my voter registration to my new name, and I can't show up without changing, so I couldn't go this morning. Now, there's 15 mins until the polls close and I'm still at work. This looks like a job for TG Supergirl!... well, sorry Barak -- you've got my vote in the real election, anyway)

Street Legal

:)

Voice Work

Ten days left until I am full time. If there's anything I wanted to do as Scott as a final farewell or last hurrah, I'd better think of it fast.

I have a lot to do in the next couple of weeks, but I am definitely ready. There are things I need to work on, but generally speaking, I'm at a point where I can live my life as Suzanne and not have to rely on Scott for anything. Sure it might be nice to occasionally be able to slip back into male mode for situations where being a girl is inconvenient or being a transsexual is dangerous, but I'm already getting pretty androgynous as a boy. Some guy was totally checking me out today thinking (correctly) that I was a woman when I was driving home today. When I looked over at him and he saw that I was a man (or so he thought), he quickly tried to pass it off like he was looking at something else. No, my maleness is quickly dissipating.

Switching back and forth is a pain, anyway. Today was a case in point, as I changed my presentation from female to male to female to male back to female in the span of a day.

I woke up at 6:30 and had to get in male mode for work. But today I was starting a new voice program at George Washington U., which is exclusively for transsexuals trying to develop a natural speaking voice as their true gender. For this, they require me to be Suzanne, not Scott. So I had to bring along a backpack with a change of clothes, makeup, etc.

I got to work at 9 (okay 9:15) and left at a little before 11 to head to GWU. It's just 15 mins down the road, so I was there way early for my noon appointment. That was intentional, since I'd need to change and fill out paperwork (they had a lot to fill out, too, it turned out). The receptionist was very nice when I asked if there was someplace I could change. She directed me to both the men's and women's restrooms. My choice (for now).

I chose the women's, naturally. The restroom was clean and the handicapped stall was free, which had more room to change. I quickly changed into a pink button down shirt, jeans, and black boots. Hair and makeup took me about 20 mins. I think I looked good enough for a first impression, without wearing too much makeup (since I'm going to have to wash this all off in an hour and go back to work).

The paperwork took me another 15 or 20 minutes, and I was still done 5 minutes before my appointment time. I am compulsively early by nature.

The first session was just some measurement of my voice and hearing. I apparently am lowsy at saying "aaaaaaaaaaaahhh" for a long long time (I think they generously measured me at 12 seconds, but normal is 15 to 18) but I have an outstanding pitch range, especially on the high end (yay!). I think everything's good, or at least they didn't tell me if anything was too bad. They seemed impressed with my voice considering all I've really done to train it so far is through experimentation on my own, with a pointer or two I picked up here and there.

We went over some details of the program, and they got a little background on me. My case worker, Kelly, seems very nice. I look forward to seeing what progress I can make with her help. I have a feeling this will be a very good program.

I'm still concerned at how I unconsciously switch between my male and female voice. Back in male mode later at the office, I said, "oh, I'm sorry -- excuse me," to someone in the hall as we nearly bumped, and it was Suzanne's voice not Scott's. Yeah, it's time to switch to full time. This isn't going to stay under wraps for much longer.

Then again, maybe we don't need an announcement

Just a quickie on a few interesting incidents:

- I came out to another friend at work yesterday, or rather I tried to. He had come to my Halloween party, and his response when I told him I'm transsexual was, "Yeah, I know. I'm not an idiot." That's verbatim. Well, anyway, he was totally cool with it.

- Today, when I was washing my hands in the bathroom at work, some guy opened the door, saw me and got a surprised look on his face. He started to apologize until he looked again at the sign on the door and saw that it was in fact the men's room.

- A couple of weeks ago, I got called "ma'am" at work. Very cool.

So, yeah, maybe this is going to be less of a surprising development than I expected for people. I no longer completely pass as a man. That works for me.

Either way, the countdown's at t-minus two weeks.