I'm wrapping up another really good weekend here. So far, so good on the relationship front. Alison and I have a lot of fun together. We went to a lesbian bar on Saturday, got a little drunk and made out on the dance floor. I like dancing. I like dancing with Alison especially.
I also met Alison's sister and her sister's partner on Friday night. They were visiting from out of town. They seemed really nice, and I don't think I made a horrible impression or anything. It went well. At one point over dinner, her sister asked us we were "exclusive". We've only been dating for three weeks, and so we hadn't really discussed it, but I've never been the sort of person who would date more than one person at a time. Not seriously, in any case. I turned to Alison and let her answer, though, and she said (after a pause) "yes". And I agreed, "yes". Her sister laughed. Did you just decide that right now? "Pretty much, yeah."
Later in the evening, Alison's sister mentioned a former girlfriend who broke up with Alison because she decided she was into guys. Suzanne, don't hurt her. I got a little knot in my stomach from that one. Alison asked me if I liked guys or girls before she asked me out that night at Dean's birthday party. I sort of thought I was leaning towards being into guys more than girls. Now I'm not so sure, but I know I'm in a state of flux, sexually. I was almost hoping to avoid a serious relationship right now just for that reason. Anyway, I told her at the outset that I'm bisexual, and that's true. Bisexual, but I've never slept with a guy.
At one point this weekend, I clarified to Alison that there is a chance that sometime after my surgery I'm going to decide I need to be with a man. Frankly, I don't know if I will or not. I only know there's some curiosity there. Suzanne, don't hurt her. I don't want to hurt her. I'm not trying to hurt anyone, but I can't deny that I'm changing in ways I can't control.
I wish I had slept with a couple of the guys who hit on me in bars and clubs in the past 6 months or so. I wish one of the really cute ones had even made a real effort to get me to have sex with him. It probably wouldn't have been all that great, and I'd feel like it's out of my system. Then I wouldn't feel like this is weighing on me for some point down the road.
This is stupid. I've been dating Alison for three weeks. I don't need to think 5 years ahead. I'm having fun with her. She likes my cooking. We get along great. She likes stuff. I like stuff. When I wake up in her arms, I feel happy and secure. I'm definitely falling in love with her. What's some guy going to do for me that she can't? Most of the guys I've even found attractive are gay and wouldn't want me. And who needs some musty man pounding away inside you, anyway? Women are way more interesting to talk to and do things with.
So, I'm still going with this and seeing where it takes me. So far, so good, like I said. In fact, soooo good.
3 weeks ago