Virtual Relationships

I've been a little down lately thinking about Tryst. Even though I'm with Ashley now, and I love Ashley, and I couldn't have gone on with Tryst as things were once I found Ashley -- despite all of that, I never got any closure on my relationship with Tryst.

The last time I saw Tryst at all was probably close to a month ago. The last time I heard from her, she said she was having internet problems, but she hadn't disappeared, so don't worry. And the last time I spoke with Tryst she had mentioned that she was crying in the shower after our previous encounter.

Maybe she was falling in love with me. Maybe I made her uncomfortable. Maybe I was no good at cybersex. Maybe she wasn't ready for any of it or we were going too fast. Maybe she's mad at me for being in (real life, not Second Life) love with Ashley.

I may never know now. People sometimes disappear from the virtual world and it's like they never existed. I did that to a guy with my first SL avatar, Suzanne. She had a backstory that was not me, and even a fake email address. But when things got uncomfortable, Suzanne dropped out of SL and Astyanax was born in her place.

I sort of hope Tryst is still reading this blog (not that I've updated it much of late). I suspect she's probably not. But if she did, I'd want her to know that I miss her friendship.

Second Life goes like that sometimes. It's a strange world when you can disappear completely and reinvent yourself however you like. I hope Tryst is happy, wherever she ended up.

We are who we are

The days seem to be moving faster. I don't really know why. I'd like to be able to say it's that I've been busy, but the truth is I'm not. I've been neglecting things at work and in my personal life. I've been lazy. I guess I'm okay with that for now; I probably needed a break.

I went to Las Vegas for 6 days between my last post and this one. That was a trip I planned a while ago, before all of this new stuff came up. I was not looking forward to it. 6 days practically incommunicado from Ashley, who rarely answers her cell phone. 6 days among tourists in a town that objectifies women and seems to bring out the worst stereotypically male behavior in men. 6 days of poker, which still holds some minor interest (winning money), but now seems more like a pointless waste of time and an invitation for mood swings (I hate losing, even when I'm winning overall).

The group of people who actually understands transsexuals consists pimarily of a small subset of transgendered people, I think, and I'm not sure I count myself among that group, either. The group of people who think they understand transsexuals includes every loudmouth jerk with an opinion. Most of them think there's something wrong with us, mentally. Most of us believe our problem is physical and societal.

I think there's a lot wrong with people in general, mentally. Vegas itself is clear proof of that at every turn. Why is it fun to spend your vacation sitting in front of a machine pulling a lever, and paying for that privilege? Objectively, it's not, and yet for some people it clearly is. Why do men shell out hundreds or even thousands of dollars to a stripper just so she'll pretend to like him, and why does that make him feel less pathetic while actually making him far more? Why do people think just because something costs more, that it's inherently better? Vegas has ample examples of this.

Psychologically, some parts of us make no real sense. You can document it and test it and opine on it, but we may never fully understand it. It just is. I don't see any point in railing against it. As long as your mental "defects" are commonplace, neither do many other people, either, as long as you don't go overboard and have a gambling addiction or start stalking a stripper or something. Some people are also accepting of transgendered people, but think that actually changing your sex is going overboard, too.

And some people (a lot of people) have the mental defect of thinking for some reason they need to control how others live their lives. It's easy to see how such a trait would evolve in us, since those wishing to control others would include a subset of people who find that they can, and groups led by strong leaders would have an advantage over random collections of people. It's probably a necessary component of society, but when people go too far with that one, it can make the world almost unlivable for some people.

I have a hard time really hating people for these things anymore. I used to, but I don't now. The world's a strange place. People are strange beings. A large part of our society and our economy is built on capitalizing on this.

Whatever makes people happy, I'm okay with it, as long as it doesn't depend on making other people unhappy in the process. Maybe that's why I don't really like poker anymore. Someone else has to lose for me to win. Then again, there's no point in hating slot machines, either. There must be something people are getting from pulling that lever (sorry, pushing that button -- I forgot they changed that) over and over and over and over and over again. The slot machine provides a valuable service for a fee, and there's nothing fundamentally wrong with that.

I may have forgotten to have a point to this post. Today, I'm feeling a bit directionless, myself. I think I'm okay with that, for now.

Girly Days

Every day is different. Some mornings when I wake up, I just know it's going to be one of those days full of doubt when I think I must be crazy. It's a male feeling. It's a bad feeling. Other days are girly days. I don't care if I still look like a man and have to act like a man at work. I feel like a woman. Those are good days.

Today is a girly day. It's the first one in probably a week, and none too soon, because I was starting to get tired of the other kind. Nothing triggered it as far as I can tell, but I woke up early (also the first time in a while for that) and got in to work 1/2 hour before my usual time. And the whole day, nothing much could phase me. I felt female. That's a great feeling.

I didn't feel much like working, but it was mostly a slow day at work anyhow. So I swapped a couple of love notes via email with Ashley between meetings and followed up with various people to cross various things off my various lists. (Yes, my job really is that exciting -- I know!)

Today was different for another reason, too. Today was the first day in a long time, maybe ever, when I thought even if I didn't have Ashley, I could still transition. I've often thought that if Ashley were ever out of my life (not that I want her to be, or that she wants to be), there'd be no way I could become a woman. I need her support, and I need someone who understands me. There'd be no way I could do it alone. But today (and things are better than ever between me and Ashley, just to be clear), I really felt like yes, I can do this. And yes, I need Ashley, but I could do this on my own if I had to. Well, not completely on my own. But I could.

I love Ashley. Ashley loves me. I love feeling like a woman. I want to be a woman. Today's a good day.

Tomorrow could be anything. I can't seem to control the swings. But I hope it's like today, because it would be nice to ride this feeling at least a little while longer.

Much Calmer Now

It's been a week since I last wrote anything here. That's really pretty much Ashley's fault, since we've spent a lot of time chatting online and emailing each other. Sharing all my random thoughts with Ashley makes me feel less like I need to write them down here, even though it would be nice to have them catalogued to go back and look later. Ashley also makes me feel a lot more secure with myself. She loves me and I love her, and I always feel a lot better after talking with her. We're 3000 miles physically, but emotionally we've become very close. And when she calls me her "girlfriend" I still get that giddy feeling all over, the one that makes me have to stomp my feet up and down in excitement. Ashley's wonderful, by the way.

The big news this week was that I came out to my friend Karen, whom I've known for nearly 20 years, since college. Karen is without a doubt my closest female friend ever. When we both lived in New York 10 years ago, we could always count on each other, and we had something special, even if we never really connected romantically. So I figured Karen of all people would be supportive if I told her what I'm going through. She was.

I have no idea how I would have taken this kind of news, in her position. I'm sure it was awkward and confusing and I know Karen doesn't really understand what I'm going through. Hell, I'm not sure I understand it sometimes, myself. But it's nice to know I have at least one friend who will stick by me and who will maybe still think I'm weird but will try not to let on, for my sake.

My male friends, I don't know about. It would be even more weird and awkward for them (and me) to talk about this stuff. I think I will just see where I want to go first, and then deal with them. Same goes for work.

One thing about telling people you're transgendered is that it feels very liberating. Another thing about it is that your relationship is always going to be different from that point on, no matter whether you transition or not. But it's not a bad thing. It's just a thing. A thing that's always out there and is never going away. Some things are just like that.

Getting some of this out writing in this journal, talking in therapy, chatting in IM with Ashley, and talking on the phone with Karen definitely has a calming effect. I still have mood swings, and I still have occasional bouts of euphoria or crippling doubt and fear, but things feel smoother. In some ways, I miss the days when I felt like I couldn't sleep, though. It was wearing me out, but it was mostly an exciting feeling.

I think one thing I was definitely worried about earlier was how I'd feel when I got to this point. I knew that initial manic period would not last, and the thing I feared worst was going back to where I was, or who I was, before. That hasn't happened, thank god, and now I really don't think it will, but there was something nice about those wild emotional fits, and even the bouts of crying. I haven't really cried much at all in the past week. Maybe that's Ashley's fault, too, since she makes me so damned happy.